"Ye shall know the truth, and the truth shall set you free" John 8:32.......

The truth may set you free but people do not always want to hear the truth. A lie will always keep you in bondage but sometimes people would rather be in the bondage of a lie than be free.

This is true because some people are afraid to be free. They are afraid of being free, because with freedom, must come a set of obligations and responsibilities that rest as a weight upon the shoulders of the free person.

I am tired of being afraid. I want to be free. Free from the lies. I want peace. Peace within myself, peace within my heart.

I have become uncomfortable in my own skin of late and now it is time for the truth.

I have hid behind the persona of "Kaii" for far too long. It has served it's purpose and I want to be free of her.

I know what you are thinking: "Holy Shit, she's lost her fucking mind".

But I am happier this last week than I have been in the last 2 years.

I have lied so much on this blog. Oh, not everything, of course. 95%of it was true, but it is the remaining 5% that distorts and bends the truth.

Oh, I am female, in my 20's (ok, more like breathing down the neck of 30). I am Canadian. I do work in health care. Claire, "the guy" and the 19 yr old are all real.

But there are other things too. The most important omission ( and primarily the reason why I am pretty much done here) is that I am not single.

I am married. I have been for many years. I have kids. Not just the one kid with the 19 year old but other children with my husband.

I got married too young. Way too young. He was my best friend. I didn't want to hurt him, and so when he asked me to marry him, I said "yes".

I married him. God, what was I thinking?

I wasn't ready to settle down. We fought constantly. He was an emotionally distant workaholic, but we had already had our first child by that time.

It was too late to leave.

I was miserable. I was wild, I drank, partied and smoked dope with the 19 yr old.

The 19 yr old was fun. He made me laugh and forget about how crappy my married life was. I had an affair with him for almost 2 years.

I loved the 19 yr old, but he was too young and wasn't ready to settle down. He wanted to smoke dope and didn't want to hold down a job. I moved away and tried to work things out with my husband.

My husband knows all about the affair. He knows the kid isn't his, but he raises it like it is. He is a good man.

I originally started this blog as a way to channel my sexual energy, as an outlet, as a means to stop cheating on my husband.

I don't deserve him. He loves me so much and tries so hard to make our marriage work. I am a bitch, so don't bother leaving a comment and saying so, because I already know. You could never be as hard on me as I am on myself.

We have been working on our marriage for the last couple of years and I am happy to say that we are in a good place now. I love him. I want to make him happy because he is a good husband and a good father.

I still have feelings for the 19 year old and I probably always will because we have a child together. But we are kind of like star crossed lovers. Just not meant to be, I guess.

So....I am ending this blog for my sanity, for my husband and for my children. This blog is adding to my misery.

I have emptied out my hotmail inbox, deleted all my MSN messenger contacts and will probably start a vanilla blog somewhere else. I like writing too much to just stop cold turkey. I did have another blog at Busty-toons but have erased all the content there too.

PS. "The Guy" is Jonathan Quince. Well, sweetie, you did say that I could tell people and here I have done so. Not quite in the way that I originally wanted to, but here it is. He's a hell of a guy, ladies. Some very satisfying orgasms were had on his behalf. Go visit his blog SOPEF, I link to it. Jonathan, my dear, we are just not meant for one another. You belong with a 19 yr old virgin, not a serious emotional baggage laden Kaii. I know we will keep in touch *kisses*

I had a good time, I met some good people, but now it's time to move on.....

 

so i went to synagogue alone rode my bike in my wool skirt and tie and there were 2 dyke cops (Gay Cops)guarding the doors and inside was all pastel and yesterday i saw my advisor and was dreaming of marrying this hungarian writer, how easy life would be, to marry a jew and be safe, and today i heard the shofar and no thoughts of marriage on the brain

i get an email from an ex-roommate from undergrad, an address change so i can update my xmas lists, yeesh, she was my first friend to get married, now she bought a house in jersey, and along with that in the mail i get an invite to my reunion, never been and never planned to go to one of those, except that i still yearn to know who/what that lovely bespectacled bitch who fucked with my mind is doing now. she'd never go, but there might be someone who knows her, somewhere in ny, it's possible

x keeps calling, there's a tea party outside, i'm glad she calls because i was feeling terribly guilty, like i wouldn't even know if she died, but i'm not going out there, not going to entertain her hopes further

i've been having horrible unspeakably awful nightmares. i'll spare you the details

today i'm going to another social event for dykes, this one will be more in public, at the only coffee shop in town, but i am making a list of ideas to bring us together, rather than these hasty let's try to talk about community things, which will be awkward i know because i know i'll see people from my program there, what do i care

i do care that the only people i considered my friends are disappointing me terribly

there's a part in the stepfrd wives when the lead leaves town to see a shrink, who's obviously mannish, and tells her she's intelligent, and believes her story. in fact she gets on her knees before the lead to show her that she believes her, that she is not crazy.

now, c never did that, exactly, but she made me believe in her, and trust her, like no other

i miss her terribly

i'm living on a shoestring, and can only eat what's in my fridge, and can't buy gas, or prescriptions for allergies, or anything, until i get paid on the 1st

till then, i'm working, and i think i will research plane tix. i need to get out of here soon. immerse myself in the bible and shakespeare -- what more to life is there? i'm a big dork.